There a lot of things I don’t understand about men. But maybe the thing I don’t understand the most is why they care so much about how big (or small or medium or whatever) their penis is. I just don’t get it! The thing is hidden behind pants most hours of the day. And truly, there are so many things that matter more.

1. What he smells like. Does he smell like a dog that just ran into a dirty pond, or does he smell like his personal brand of deodorant with a touch of I was just playing outside doing boy things?

2. How good he is at maintaining eye contact. Because I’m looking at your eyes, not your crotch­al region, when we’re having intimate conversations.

3. How well his pants fit. Not because I’m trying to get a glimpse at the goods, but because I want to know that you can shop for yourself like an adult.

4. What sort of music he likes. Seriously crucial if we’re going to get along. Not crucial to how well we get along? The size of your thing.

5. His opinions on political issues. Are you #WithHer or do you want to Make America Great Again? Penises can’t vote (I think).

6. How nice he is to my friends. I want to make sure my friends like who I like, or else it’ll never work out. And probably my friends will never see the family jewels, so they don’t have much of a say in the matter.

7. How well he listens to me. Penises do not have ears. And even if they did, I don’t think they’d be very compassionate (they have a one­track mind).

8. What side of the bed he sleeps on. I guess your penis will sleep on whatever side of the bed you sleep on, but I’m pretty sure you’re the one calling the shots.

9. How good he is at communicating. Want to make sure he texts back regularly and is easy to get in touch with. Can’t text with a penis (dick pics don’t count).

10. How good of a kisser he is. Mouths are just so much more interesting than a penis, which really can only do so much anyway.

11. His willingness to learn more about feminism and gender equality. The penis is welcome to come along for the ride on this one but a #woke penis is one that realizes size doesn’t matter. Crucial.

12. How good he is at making me orgasm. You’d think this would have a lot to do with penis size, but that’s where you’re wrong, buck­o. It really does not. It really does not.